This is my first ever
filler post top ten list: Street Fighter characters that make me groan when I see I have been matched up against them. Characters are on this list for a variety of reasons: the people who commonly play them are jerks, the character rewards a play-style that is frustrating or boring to play against, or even just because something about the character’s manner irritates me.
Warning: contains stronger language than I normally use . . .
10 EL FUERTE
Is everyone who plays El Fuerte high? He flops all over the place and runs like a Looney Tunes character, yodelling and yelling about cooking. It really freaks me out, but the thing is I almost always win against him. The people who play him are just so unpredictable every match feels like it takes years off my life, but by the end of each round (which goes for a maximum of 90 seconds) they just kind of lose interest and stop trying. That means the average El Fuerte player has an attention span of less than a minute and a half, and when faced with the entire SSFIV cast, chooses a midget Mexican chef. Takes all sorts, I guess.
Bison is just so hard-core. Really I just love to hate him. He flies around and bursts into flames and stomps on your head, and Bison players tend to taunt a lot and fight like berserk three-year-olds on a sugar high. His hits do stacks of damage and some of his moves involve folding his arms and laughing at you. He’s just so evil. At the end of the match if he wins he says stuff like “MY PSYCHO POWER IS UNSTOPPABLE.”
Yeah whatever Bison. You should relax a little.
Old flat-top is one of the original world warriors. He’s annoying because the people who play him are generally turtlers. This is SF jargon for “people who crouch on the ground and throw out jabs and counter-attacks until they win.” The worst thing about Guile is that he has excellent tools to do this, and he’s been around for so long that there are a lot of people around who are really good at him. I play Fei Long mostly, who has no magic fireballs and must get close to Guile, and even after heaps of practice jumping over/dashing through sonic booms good Guile players still catch me out.
Plus he has a stupid haircut, although to be honest if I hated SF characters for that reason I’d have to pan most of the cast.
The demon Akuma is a favourite of new players and people who aren’t as good as they think they are. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of good Akuma players out there, and they’re a menace, but the vast majority are people who think they’re awesome because they’ve learned to do the “Die-One-Thousand-Deaths!” move.
OMG your Ultra can take off half my bar in one hit? Yeah? Well really you’re just a spooky pony-tailed shoto-clone with a glass jaw. I think I’ll just wait till you fall short and then rekka-ken your face off. Basically I hate facing Akuma as he’s usually boring and cocky, a bad combination.
6 FEI LONG
Yep, I hate mirror matches. I main Fei Long (which obviously is SF jargon for “use him primarily”), so it’s pretty humiliating when I lose to another Fei player. Good Fei players are normally super aggressive with an odd rhythm, and can smash through pretty much any defence. Fighting them usually goes something like this: “oh hey it’s Fei Long. Ha ha, he really does look like Bruce Lee, I should download that costume for my dude. I wonder what he’ll AAH! AAAAH! (smash buttons), Oh, now it’s over. Did I win? Jesus. I need a scotch.”
Ah, Sakura. Favourite of people who seem to have a sick desire to beat others up with a jock schoolgirl. They generally play kind of like Ryu players, i.e. focused, intense and quietly cocky. Sakura’s Super and Ultra moves pop out stupidly fast and she can even hit Fei Long before he can strike a lot of the time, which is crazy because he’s a quick, rush-down character himself. She can seem creepy to me sometimes, with her skirt flapping up and the cute little band-aids on her knees. I also feel really bad when I slug her in the guts and she groans and collapses like a sack of potatoes. Way to beat up a fifteen year old girl, Fei Long. You jerk.
Oh, it’s hilarious Dan! The character designed to be shit-house, just so that pretentious wank-staffs can master him and then look down on you. “Oh, oh, look I beat you with Dan. Crawl and grovel at my sandal-clad 1980s feet. You are an extra loser because I beat you with Dan.” Dan players are of three types:
- Really new players who don’t yet know that Dan is lame.
- Really good Dan players who play with you, taunt you, and then smugly smash you.
- Mediocre Dan players who think they are the second kind but end up losing and then won’t play you again.
I like the first kind.
Ewww, Juri. She’s all sado-masochistic and disturbingly sexual. She has annoying jump-kick moves that look like they hit you high but actually kick you in the balls. She flounces around licking herself and making innuendos, and I can’t help imagining the person on the other end is a saucer-eyed teenage boy (or worse, a neck-bearded slob in a salsa-stained wolf shirt), slavering over the way he controls the evil little sexy character. *Shudder*
Oooh I hate Blanka! The people who play him jump about like manic freaks and then suddenly go electric when you counter-attack. They seem aggressive but they’re deceptive: They need you to attack so if you keep your cool they start jumping up and down in the corner and taunting you, which generally makes me mad. Even if it doesn’t, it makes me think the guy on the other end is a tool. Who enjoys playing a character who’s play-style involves goading your opponent? A rude bastard, that’s who. Good Blanka players are tough.
We meet again my nemesis. Your tag says “Perfectionist” and your greeting says “Still a Beginner” even though you have 8900 player points and have completed Challenge mode on Hardest. I see you’re wearing your torn, grimy gi, salt-stained from defiantly throwing dragon punches into a sea storm. Your hair blows in the breeze as you silently await my attack.
I approach carefully. You leap high, bringing an axe kick down and going for the sweep, as you always do. You won’t trap me this time in that punch combo you relentlessly practiced for six weeks when you should have been at school or out on a date, you no . . . NO! Ah for fuck’s sake! This is not fun, this is NOT . . . FUN! Now you’re taunting me when I’m down? Folding your arms and standing against the fucking sunset?! I hope you choke on those victory points you humourless prick.
Yeah that’s right, stalk off into the distance, looking for your next battle. What are those parting words? Something mysterious and faintly insulting?
Fuck Ryu. Fireballs are for pussies.